You and Me Against the Machines
by dragondolphin1990
Summary: The story of six mercenaries, an army of robots, and an unlikely friendship. SniperxSpy.
1. New Allies

"What the hell are _they _doing here?" the RED Scout glared at the three BLUs who just entered the dingy room.

A cold metal hand clamped down a bit too harshly on Scout's shoulder, "Now, calm down, partner. We're off duty right now."

"I don't like it, either," the RED Sniper agreed, "but we don't get paid for killin' them off the battlefield. It'd just be a waste of ammunition."

"IS THAT ALL WE ARE TO YOU RED COMMIES?" Soldier bellowed, "BULLET CATCHERS? I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT—"

Demoman swung a half-empty bottle of scrumpy into his teammate's helmet, "Shu' up. Ah gotta headache."

A few moments passed in awkward silence as the mercenaries glared at one another. Demoman used this time to pull a new bottle out and start drinking. The RED Engineer sighed and shook his head. When he noticed the BLU Spy, who had yet to say anything, staring at him, he tensed. Spy rolled his eyes and gestured toward the others as if to say, "They are morons." Engineer got the message and grinned.

Scout tossed his baseball in the air a few times, "Ya know, I could prolly kill these guys without any bullets."

"That won't be necessary," all heads turned to watch Miss Pauling walk into the room.

Scout zipped over and slid his arm around her shoulders, "Didja miss me?"

Pauling twisted out of Scout's grip but otherwise ignored him, "I imagine you all are wondering why we are here. Your orders have changed. You will now be united to fight a common enemy."

"Now see here, we ain't gonna do nothin' that ain't in our contract," Sniper glared, "We're gonna need new contracts—with an increased salary, of course—if you're plannin' on changin' the rules of this damn war."

"Actually, Mr. Mundy, this is in your contract. You really should read the fine print. Now, as I was saying, you six are the best that RED and BLU have to offer… the best out of those still alive, at least. Your instructions are to reclaim Gravel Pit from the enemy. You move out in the morning."

Engineer grumbled, "Gravel's over two hundred miles away! An' I bet you aren't plannin' on providing any transportation, are ya?"

"I'm sure Mr. Mundy's camper van can fit six people."

"Aww, hell, no. No way I'm letting them BLUs in _my_ home!"

"THAT IS IRRELEVANT! WE WILL NOT LOWER OURSELVES TO YOUR PATHETIC RE—" Soldier stopped mid-word when he felt Spy's knife pressing into his back.

"We would gladly accept a ride. Zank you, Sniper," with a shake of his wrist, Spy's knife was closed again.

"I don't remember offerin."

"Zen eet is settled," Spy continued, "We will meet you here at six tomorrow morning to leave."

"Surely, the BLUs can make the journey separa—"

"I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THIS PLAN."

"We _will_ be traveling with ze REDs. We will _not _be arguing zis any further," Spy rubbed his temples.

"THAT IS NOT THE PROBLEM."

"Wouldja shuddap already?" Scout groaned.

"HOW CAN WE FIGHT THE ENEMY, MISS I-FORGOT-YOUR-NAME, WHEN—"

"Pauling."

"—WE DO NOT KNOW _WHO_ THE ENEMY IS."

"Oh, right, of course. You will be fighting money-powered robots built by your employers' eagle-kidnapped brother. Obviously."

"Obviously," Sniper echoed, "No, really. Who're we gonna be fightin'? Hippies? I hope it's hippies."

"What is it about Australians and hippies?" Pauling muttered to herself, "You _will_ be fighting Gray Mann's robot army. More than your employment will be terminated if you fail us."

Pauling left the room before any more objections could be raised. The mercenaries left behind could do nothing but blink at each other for a few moments. The RED Scout eventually broke the silence, "Dayum, is she hot, or what?"

The BLU Demoman held up his bottle in salute, which caused him to lose his balance and drop to the floor. Soldier held out a hand to help him up, "NEVER DROP YOUR GUARD AROUND THE ENEMY, MAGGO—"

"We ain't yer enemy, ya moron," Scout said, leaning against the wall, "Not anymore."

"No, I reckon we aren't," Engineer mused, "Now, isn't that one helluva thought. Teammin' up with the BLUs."

They all pondered that for a moment. Except for Demoman, who pondered the bottom of his scrumpy bottle.

"Until tomorrow, Gentlemen," Spy left, knowing Demoman and Soldier would follow.

... ... ... ... ...

The RED Sniper woke up earlier than normal the next day to enjoy his last few hours free from the BLUs. He didn't want to worry about them until they left at six, but his mind refused to obey. What little he knew about the three BLUs kept floating through his mind like it was stuck on repeat.

Their Soldier was loud and vocal, as if he were trying to make up for the relative quietness of his allies. He was a complete moron outside of combat, but he might as well be a genius on the battlefield. About a month ago, he singlehandedly took out the RED Heavy-Medic team. Since then, Sniper had been gunning for his head specifically, but the BLU practically had a sixth sense for dodging his bullets.

Sniper didn't know much about the other two. He assumed Spy was good at his job, since he was almost never to be seen during battle. It also looked like he was the de facto leader of the BLUs. Sniper heard Engineer complain about the Demoman from time to time. Hopefully, his turret-destroying skills would carry over to other types of machines.

With a sigh, Sniper stood up and downed the last of his coffee. He'd have to tidy up his camper van before all six of the mercenaries could comfortably fit. On his way, he passed Engineer, who had just woken up, "Hey, mate, since I'm drivin', you gotta wake up Scout."

Engineer flipped him off with his robotic hand and grumbled.


	2. Traveling

At 6:13, the REDs drove up to the building they met in the previous night. They were late because Scout predictably slept in, so the BLUs were already waiting when they arrived. Sniper wasn't sure who was a sorrier sight: the half dressed Scout or the very hung over Demoman. Soldier's arms were full of confiscated bottles of scrumpy, which he refused to give back until Demoman ate some breakfast, "YOU NEED FOOD TO FIGHT! DO YOU THINK SUN TZU NEVER ATE, YOU GOOD-FOR-NOTHI—"

"Good of you to finally join us, Gentlemen. Shall we?"

"The, uh, the van's over here. Don't break nothin'."

The six mercenaries piled into the camper van. Demoman and Scout both made a beeline for the tiny bed. They were both too keen on sleeping that they didn't care if they were sharing a twin bed with a member of the other team. Engineer sat at the kitchen table, where he had placed all of his blueprints and spare parts. Soldier refused to sit with a RED, so he sat in the ground near the door. Spy was the last one in, "How… quaint…"

"Shut it, spook. Now, sit down, so we can get on the way," he sat down in the driver's seat and glared at the men on his bed.

His options were the passenger seat or at the table crowded by Engineer's things, so Spy sat down next to Sniper, "Do not let me hold us up. You are ze ones zat were late."

With a huff, Sniper put the camper in drive and zipped off before Spy could attach his seatbelt. For the first half hour of the ride, the only sounds were the highway underneath them, Engineer's pen scratching on graph paper, and Demoman's snoring. Sniper was fine with this. All he had to do was ignore the snoring, and it would be an enjoyable, quiet drive.

So, of course, Spy had to break the silence, "Good weather for driving, non?"

Sniper glanced at the BLU with narrowed eyes before returning his attention to the road, "Suppose so."

"And ze sun is behind us. Quite fortuitous."

Sniper switched lanes so a sports car could pass them. They lapsed into silence for a few minutes while Sniper ignored Spy.

"Are you going to watch ze Olympics?"

"No."

"Zey will be in Germany. Your Medic, he is German, I believe. Surely, you were planning to watch with him?"

"The Doc's dead. Yer Soldier made sure o' that."

"Oh," for a moment, Sniper naively thought the Spy would finally be quiet, "My condolences, Sniper"

"Didn't know him very well. Soldier also took out his only friend that day, so it don't really matter."

Spy decided to change the subject, "Miss Pauling called you Mr. Mundy."

Sniper gripped the steering wheel tighter, "So she did."

Sniper was pleased with another lull in the conversation, but Spy spoiled it again, "Mr. Mundy?"

"I don't remember ever sayin' you could call me that."

"May I?"

"No."

"Oh, but Sniper is such a silly name. Mundy is a real name."

"A name you'd do well to stop sayin'."

Another brief silence, "Sniper?"

"Five minutes! Can we not have five bloody minutes of silence?"

Exactly five minutes later, "Sniper?"

"_What_ do you want, Spoi?"

"What is it like in Australia?"

"You don't actually wanna know that."

"I travel a lot. Perhaps I do."

"An' maybe you jus' wanna drive me insane."

"Or perhaps I wish to know more about my new ally. We must all trust each other if we are to fight together."

"Then go have yer little heart-to-heart with Engy."

"He is busy," the soft scratching of pen on paper hadn't let up the entire ride.

"Well, I'm busy, too."

"Zere is hardly anyone else on ze road. If you think you will crash if you talk too much, I will gladly drive. I can multitask just fine."

"Oh, hell, no. I ain't gonna crash. An' I sure as hell ain't lettin' you drive the van," Sniper sighed, "I grew up in Brisbane, but then I spent most o' my time in the Outback. Country's mostly a big desert. There's a lot o' animals, not very friendly."

"What are your parents like?"

"Good folks. Don't like my job. Let's just leave it at that."

"I doubt my parents would approve of my occupation, either, but zey are no longer alive to object."

"Oh, uh… I'm sorry ta hear that, Spoi."

"Their deaths were quick, mostly painless. Zat is more zan most people can say, so do not worry for them."

The two continued making small talk for most of the journey. Sniper kept glancing over to Spy, surprised that the BLU wasn't as terrible as expected. Just before eleven, Spy said, "That reminds me of the second time I was in Barcelona. I had to—"

"STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT, YOU FILTHY RED DOOR! I AM AN HONORABLE BLU WARRIOR, AND I WILL HAVE NONE OF YOUR TOM FOOLERY!" Soldier had jumped to his feet and was jabbing a finger at the door to the camper.

"Well, zat is unexpected."

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure he's the first person to ever talk to me van."

"No, not zat. Soldier is always getting in fights with inanimate objects. I'm just surprised because he is usually ze one interrupted, not ze other way around."

Soldier's outburst abruptly woke up Scout and Demoman. The two fell to the ground in a mess of tangled limbs. Scout squirmed at pushed at Demoman, "Git off, ya stupid BLU! Yer heavy!"

Engineer sighed and rolled up his blueprints. There was no way he would be getting any more work done now.

... ... ... ... ...

A/N: The TF2 Wiki says the MvM stuff most likely happened in 1972, and the related comics are dated for August. So, this story is taking place July, a month before the '72 Olympics. Research!


	3. Pit Stop

The Scout and Demoman's compromising position tangled together on the floor sent Soldier into another tirade. At least this one was aimed at a person instead of a door, "LISTEN UP, MAGGOT, YOU ARE NOT TO BE FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY, DO YOU UNDERSTAND? THE RED MAGGOTS AND THE BLU MAGGOTS ARE NOT TO FRATERNIZE! FRATERNIZING IS THE WORST! SUN TZU SAID THAT HE WHO—"

"Now, you listen, son," Engineer's robotic hand twitched menacingly, "RED and BLU don't mean nothing no more. We're teammate's now, all of us. Comprende?"

"I WILL NOT BE HAVING ANY OF YOUR RED COMMUNIST LINGO IN MY—"

"Are you American, son? So'm I. You employed by TF Industries? We all are. So, why don't you just shut yer pie hole?"

"Engineer is right, Soldier. Zey do not have to be your best friends, but you can't go around fighting ze REDs anymore. Didn't Sun Tzu have anything to say about being nice to one's allies?"

"SUN TZU SAID THAT WHEN ONE TREATS PEOPLE WITH BENEVOLENCE, JUSTICE, AND RIGHTEOUSNESS, AND REPOSES CONFIDENCE IN THEM, THE ARMY WILL BE UNITED IN MIND AND ALL WILL BE HAPPY TO SE—"

"See? Treat ze REDs with benevolence and justice and all zat."

"Hel-LO, good. SIR. HOW. Is your DAY?" Soldier asked Engineer, struggling to be civil. He turned back to Spy, "HOW IS THAT, MAG—"

A bump in the road caused Soldier to lose his balance, and he fell to the ground with a grunt. Spy caught Sniper's eye and rolled his eyes. Sniper scoffed and looked back to the road. By this point, Scout had squirmed out from under Demoman, "So, are we there yet?"

"Getting' close."

"So, like, two minutes? Three?"

"We'll get to town in maybe fifteen minutes. Another twenty or so to get to the facility."

Scout groaned, "That ain't close, man!"

"Yeh slept through most of it, son. You got no right to complain."

"Shove it, hardhat."

Sniper sighed, "If'n you two want the BLUs to get along with us, you could at least show 'em ya know how to get along with each other."

"Right you are," Engineer resisted the urge to glare at Scout.

"IS THIS GRAVEL PIT? ARE WE THER—"

"No, _this_ is the middle of nowhere," Sniper was proud of himself for not yelling at Soldier.

Demoman's stomach made a very loud rumble. Scout's eyes widened, "Dude, we haven't eaten in, like, forever."

"I was plannin' on stoppin' on town for lunch."

"But that's so far," Scout whined, "Ain't'cha got any grub in here?"

"No," he lied.

"THIS PLAN IS A GOOD PLAN. WE ARE SUPERIOR TO THOSE ROBOT SCUM BECAUSE WE EAT. ROBOTS DO NOT EAT, AND THEY—"

Sniper took a turn a little too roughly, causing Soldier to lose both his balance and his train of thought.

Once the town was in sight, Demoman stumbled forward to get a better view. His unbalanced gait was just barely worse than his usual drunken walking. One could hardly tell he was in a moving camper van. "S'beautiful," he murmured.

Spy scrunched up his nose, "It is terribly ugly, like all American cities."

Soldier huffed but said nothing, long tired of losing this argument to Spy. He smiled when Scout piped up, "Ya know, Froggy Boy, it don't all suck like these stupid, dusty towns near Mann Co. Take Boston, fer example. That place ain't nothin' like this backwater crap. It's a _real_ town."

"SEE THAT, SPY? EVEN THE RED AGRE—"

"I have been to your Massachusetts. I will agree it is better zan zis, but it still holds no candle to France."

Sniper pulled into a parking spot outside of a wooden building with a big sign declaring it to be a diner, "I always liked Gravel better'n Australia. Nicer people, nicer animals. A town don't have to be pretty on the outside ta be be a beaut."

Spy frowned, "Very insightful. You have been here before, I take it?"

"Hmmm? Yeah, was stationed at Gravel Pit fer a few months. Weren't no robots back then, of course," he cleared his throat, changing the subject, "Now, this here's the best diner fer miles."

"Yo, finally!" Scout made a beeline for the door. He jiggled the handle, "Man, why ain't it opening?"

"Have you tried unlocking it, perhaps?" Spy stood and stretched.

"Wait, Scout! Yeh can't just go into town armed to the teeth, mate."

The six mercenaries took a moment to offload all their guns. A small mound of shotguns formed next to the table. Sniper counted his ammunition as he put it away. Engineer slipped on a large yellow glove to hide his robotic hand. Scout refused to give up his baseball bat, arguing that even though he could totally use it to kill someone, it wasn't technically a weapon. Soldier almost left without removing his grenades, but Demoman caught him before he could leave the camper.

Right before exiting the van, Spy slipped on what appeared to be a paper mask. Sniper watched his mask flicker away into a nondescript, brunette face that looked distinctly American, the kind of face nobody in Gravel would pay much mind to.

"You could jus' take the mask off, yeh know."

"Not even ze BLUs know my face, Sniper. I am certainly not showing it to zese civilians."

"Yer accent's awful weird on that face."

"Golly, pardner, yer right. Guess Ah'd better try'n blend in wid dese podunks. Gee, I dun know how ter, though," Spy's foreign face winked.

Sniper grumbled and fought back a smile, "Point taken."

In the span of their brief conversation, Scout had already zipped in to the diner, "Hey, there, gorgeous, how's about a table for six an' maybe yer phone number?"

The waitress glared, but the expression was softened by the large blush on her cheeks. She motioned to the largest booth, "I'll getcha some menus and water."

Soldier, Demoman, and Engineer entered shortly after Scout sat down. He bounced up and down at the booth and waved, "Over here, slowpokes!"

Sniper and Spy entered last and sat across from each other at the booth, the REDs on one side, the BLUs on the other.

"Well, isn't that just the bee's knees?" the waitress giggled and began setting glasses of water in front of the men, "You guys're color coded. You plan that?"

"Course we did!" the others glared at Scout, afraid he'd say something about Mann Co or TF Industries, "Anythin' to make you smile, darlin'."

She looked away to hide another blush, stammering "So, uh, menus, right. Here y'all are. I'll be back in, in just a minute."

Scout smirked at the other five, "What kin I say? I got a way with the ladies."

The meal went surprisingly smoothly. The roughest part was when Soldier refused to let Demoman order wine for lunch. It was also the quietest Sniper had ever seen the Soldier. He was amazed the Soldier seemed to know what an inside voice was.

_"Food. F. U. D. We are about to go to war, Maggot. You will _not_ be lobbing explosives around drunk. Are you a man or—"_

"Ah fight better with a bit o' liquid courage."

_"You will fight better with car-boy-di-rates—"_

"Carbohydrates," Engineer muttered.

"Not even a li'l wine? Beer? Whisky? Vodka? Ale?"

Soldier's glare grew darker and darker, _"Water. W. A… _Water_… W. A.T. U. R."_


	4. More Traveling

Scout made sure to leave a distinctly bigger tip than the others. Engineer and Soldier had to forcibly drag him out of the diner, while the younger man yelled out promises at the waitress to come back as soon as possible. Sniper smiled at their shenanigans.

"What is so amusing?" Spy asked as they walked back to the camper van.

"This is the first time a RED an' a BLU got together ta do somethin' useful," he nodded his head toward the two wrangling Scout.

"Hopefully ze first time of many."

"I'd toast ta that," he held up an imaginary champagne flute.

Spy held up his own "glass", and the two shared a mock toast and a smile. Sniper was growing embarrassed by his budding friendship with the BLU, so he turned away to fiddle with his keys.

Back in the van, the six mercenaries were quick to reequip themselves. After checking over his rocket launcher for scratches, Soldier stood at the front of the camper van, facing the others, "ALRIGHT, MEN. THIS IS OUR LAST STOP BEFORE COMBAT. WHEN WE GET OUT OF THIS CHARIOT, WE WILL BE IN ENEMY INFESTED TERRITORY, DO YOU UNDERSTAND? THIS IS AN ENEMY WE KNOW VERY LITTLE ABOUT, SO YOU _WILL_ PROCEED WITH CAUTION, MAGGOTS. I WILL ACCEPT _NO_ CASUALTIES FROM _MY_ TROOPS, SO GIVE IT EVERYTHING YOU—"

Sniper pushed him to the side, "We ain't getting' anywhere with you blocking the wheel, mate."

"REDS HAVE NO RESPECT FOR PROPER DECORUM."

It was like a light bulb went off in Engineer's head when Soldier said RED. He rushed over to his spot at the table and pulled out the schematics for his mini-sentry. If he set one up, it would ignore the robots and target the three blues instead. Reprogramming it to not attack his new allies wouldn't be too difficult, but it would take at least an hour, time he didn't have. It would also be nearly impossible to fiddle around with the circuitry in the bumpy van. Reprogramming his sentries to attack the robots was literally impossible at this point, since he knew nothing about them besides the fact that they were robots with some sort of expensive fuel. He didn't believe Miss Pauling literally had meant they were powered by money.

With a sigh, Engineer patted the pocket in his overalls where he kept his Wrangler. He'd have to leave his mini-sentry on manual nonstop until he redesigned the circuit board.

Engineer was startled out of his thoughts when Soldier sat across from him at the table. He noticed Scout and Demo were sitting on the bed, awake this time, and Spy was back in the passenger seat. The table was the only place available for Soldier to sit.

"So, yeh decided to sit at a real chair fer this leg, eh? Good for ya."

"I STILL DO NOT LIKE THAT YOU ARE A RED, BUT SITTING WITH YOU IS SUPERIOR TO ENTERING BATTLE WITH A SORE BACK."

"I hear ya."

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"Just thinkin' about how to get my sentries to attack the robots instead of you all."

"ADMIRABLE," Soldier nodded, "I SUPPORT THIS ENDEAVOR OF YOURS, ENGINEER. CARRY ON."

Engineer smiled, glad to apparently be on the man's good side.

… … … … …

The rest of the trip to Gravel Pit passed in silence as the mercenaries nervously readied themselves for a new enemy. Out of the corner of his eye, Sniper watched Spy fiddle with his butterfly knife. He was surprised Spy would outwardly show any of his nervousness. He thought that maybe Spy didn't even notice what he was doing.

When Sniper stopped the camper van, there was no sign of civilization in any direction.

"Where the hell are we? You didn't run outta gas, didja, numbnut?"

"It's jus' behind that hill," Sniper pointed in front of the van, "but we don't know what the situation is like there. Pauling called it a robot _army_. Who knows what we're gonna find there."

"THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE."

"Exactly."

"I DID NOT KNOW THE REDS WERE CAPABLE OF SOUND TACTICS."

"What the hell's that s'posed ta mean? I can out-tactic you any day, helmet head! I'll run circles 'round ya!"

"Whoa there, son," Engineer didn't even look up from his blueprints, "What did we tell you about playin' nice with the BLUs?"

Scout grumbled a response, but it was drowned out by the sound of loud gulping.

"I THOUGHT I CONFISCATED YOUR ALCOHOL. STOP DRINKING BEFORE BATTLE."

"I de-confiscated it," Demoman stopped drinking long enough to say, "Can't fight without mah scrumpy."

"So what _is_ ze plan? Sneak in and hope zey do not kill us?" Spy pushed them back on topic.

"Can I have some paper, Engie?" Sniper took a moment to sketch a crude map of Gravel Pit, "So, this here's the RED base, and over there's the BLU. Either one should have enough supplies and be defendable enough. RED's a bit closer, but I think we should try'n get to BLU."

"I AGREE."

"What? Traitor!" Scout glared.

"See this big area here?" Sniper pointed at the map between their current location and the RED base, "It's pretty open. We'd make easy targets. Lot more cover on the way to the old BLU base."

"This don't seem any better than Spy's sneak in a try not to die plan," Engineer grumbled.

"Well, no. It's my sneak in _to somewhere specific_ and try not ta die plan. Any o' you got a better idea?"

Demoman shrugged and kept drinking.

"We could rush in, weapons hot. Take'm all out in one strike. Pew pew pew! Robo-guts everywhere."

"I AGREE WITH SCOUT," Soldier's eye twitched at agreeing with a RED, "WE CAN TAKE 'EM. WE HAVE _AMERICA_ ON OUR SIDE."

"Yeah!" Scout held his hand up to high five but Soldier ignored it.

After a few moments of silence, Spy said, "So our options are sneak to ze BLU base or offer ourselves to the enemy on a silver platter? Let's follow Sniper's plan."

"Seconded," Engineer was quick to add.

"Man, bein' sneaky's no fun," Scout whined, "You don't wanna be sneaky, right, Demoman? Explosives ain't sneaky. They're loud and awesome and stuff."

With a grin, Demoman put away his grenade launcher and unsheathed his sword.


	5. Robots, and Hats

A/N: To Clockwork: (I'd prefer if you didn't review anonymously, so I could answer privately.) I'd be honored if you wanted to make a film. Just give me (and Valve) some credit, and link it to me when you're done. :)

... ... ... ... ...

"Alright, boys, this is it," Engineer wiped his hands on his pants legs. He picked up a toolbox in one hand and his pistol in the other. A bag with plenty of scrap metal and his shotgun was slung over his shoulder.

Scout nodded sharply, eyes hardened in anticipation of the upcoming battle. He swung his bat in the air a few times, half stretching and half clobbering invisible enemies.

Demoman sat his empty bottle on the table and didn't get out another. Now was the time to focus on battle, not booze.

"Hey, hey, no," Sniper looked up from where he was running a cloth over his kukri, "There's a bin under the sink. You ain't leavin' trash all over the camper."

"So, ze dirty bushman cares about cleanliness?" Spy taunted. He had no last minute preparations to do.

"Hardy har har," Sniper was surprised at how little he was insulted. He felt like it was harmless banter between friends and not a vicious jab. But he and Spy weren't good enough friends for that yet, right? Their friendship-of sorts-had only started a few hours prior, after all.

"STOP FRATERNIZING," Soldier reached into a hidden pocket of his jacket and pulled out a bowler hat, which he placed on his helmet. He then finished it off with a top hat.

"What the hell you doin'?" Scout asked.

"I AM GETTING READY TO ENGAGE THE ENEMY."

"I mean, like, what's with all the hats an' shit?"

"I AM GETTING READ—"

"Never mind."

Soldier slung his rocket launcher and shotgun over his shoulder and flipped open his shovel.

Everyone stood around awkwardly in the camper van for a few moments after they were all ready. Sniper cleared his throat. Demoman shuffled his feet.

"C'mon, guys," Scout finally said, "Stop bein' such wusses. Sure, it's some robot army thing, an' sure they've got better numbers an' the upper hand an' stuff, but, like, c'mon, ya know?"

"I think what Scout's tryin' ta say," Engineer said, "is that we've gotta do this, an' there's no use in waitin' for the moss ta grow."

"Then what're we waitin' for, laddies?" Demoman took the initiative to leave the van first, with Soldier and Scout right behind him.

Spy left the van at a more dignified pace and straightened his tie once outside. Engineer was next, moving a bit slower than normal, hampered by his metal. Sniper was last, since he had to lock the camper van. By the time everyone else was out, Scout was half way up the hill. The others hustled after him.

Sniper walked past Engineer with a hissed, "Don't take so much if you can't carry it all."

"I need it all."

Sniper then caught up to Spy, who he gave a brief smile to, before moving further up the hill. He wanted to see some robots, and he was jealous of Scout's youthful exuberance. Scout was already crouched at the top of the hill overlooking Gravel Pit.

The first thing Sniper noticed when he reached the top was Scout's expression. His eyes were huge, his jaw was slightly ajar, and his face was pale. Finally, Sniper looked at what Scout was focused on. He gulped loudly.

It was… them.

Not exactly, but close enough to be outrageously unnerving. Their outer plating was fashioned to look like the uniforms of RED and BLU. They even had symbols on their arms to denote their specialties. The closest robot was holding a sniper rifle and wore a metallic slouch hat. Once he was over the shock of seeing his robotic counterpart, Sniper glared. How dare some stupid machine wear the same hat as him? He shook his head. There was no time for such a childish thought.

Soldier was the last one up the hill. Sniper had no idea how Engineer, with all his metal, had managed to climb it faster than the BLU. Soldier's hissed whisper was somehow more piercing than his usual yelling, "_The upper ground is advantageous for a full-out assault. Does this look like a full-out assault to you, maggots? Back down this god-forsaken, communist molehill, and find some cover_."

Scout scooted down the hill until he could stand without risking being seen by the so-far oblivious robots. He grinned and made eye contact with each mercenary in turn. He barely remembered to not yell, "Race ya."

Engineer gave a long suffering sigh and toted his supplies back down the hill. About half way down, Demoman slowed down, "Lemme get that."

"Pardon?"

Demoman nodded toward the toolbox.

"I need that!"

"It's a sentry, yeah?" Engineer nodded slowly, "Yeh only wanna set it up if they notice us. Yer movin' too slow. Be faster an' sneakier, an' yeh won't be needin' it."

Engineer bit his lower lip. It made sense, but he wasn't comfortable handing his sentry over to a BLU, no matter how friendly—and sober—he was being. He thrust the toolbox out, looking away from Demoman, "You best stay close, son."

Engineer was reluctant to admit he could move faster without the unwieldy toolbox. Demoman didn't seem very burdened by it. Engineer grumbled that the other mercenaries were stronger than him.

Ahead of them, Engineer saw Scout and Sniper dash out from the cover of the hill and crouch behind a half wall. He watched Sniper peak over the wall with his rifle, most likely surveying the robots. He whispered something to Scout and the two zipped over to another half wall. By the time Engineer and Demoman reached the edge of the hill, Soldier and Spy were already at the first wall.

These hiding spots were only big enough for two to crouch behind at a time. While he would have preferred to be with another RED, Engineer felt safe hiding with the Demoman. Even though alcohol still clung to his breath, Demoman seemed completely sober. He was definitely a more preferable partner than any Spy or an insane Soldier. Engineer almost thought he'd prefer to be hiding here with Demoman than with the twitchy Scout, even. The twitchy Scout who had now disappeared into a tunnel with the Sniper. It took a few more moments for the other four to catch up with them.

"This tunnel should lead straight to the base," Sniper quietly assured, his voice faintly echoing in the tunnel.

"_Finally_," Scout mouthed.

"AND THEN WE CAN MOUNT A PROPER –"

The other five shushed him, but it was too late. Soldier's voice bounced out of the tunnel and to the robots.

"How's about we get to that base before they get to us?"

"Good idea."

Pulling out their ranged weapons, the mercenaries ran.


	6. BLU Base

Scout sat on the ground just outside the BLU base, nursing a broken nose, "Wha' da hell, man?"

Engineer let out a long string of expletives. The barriers that prevent members of the opposing side from entering the base were still up. Demoman sauntered through the barrier just fine, not encountering the solid wall that broke the RED's nose.

"What're yeh doin, son?" Engineer spat, "We're all a team now. We gotta stick together."

Demoman mumbled something incoherent, disappearing deep into the base.

"INCOMING!" Soldier bellowed as the first of the robots came into view. Three robots dressed as typical Scouts and equipped with scatterguns ran in. They fired a few shots, one of which grazed Sniper's leg, before one of Soldier's rockets blew them all up.

Engineer dropped to the ground next to Sniper to get a better look at his leg, "How is it?"

"It's fine. Look, I can still stand and ever'thin."

"We gotta get outta here. Find somewhere safe ter put a dispenser. We're out in the open here."

Scout approached Soldier, clutching his nose in one hand and his pistol in the other, ready to help defend against the next wave. Eight more Scout-bots ran in, and two were caught in another of Soldier's rockets. As he reloaded, Scout unloaded his pistol into the nearest one. Two Soldier-bots ran in as the Scout-bot felt.

Engineer looked around for his toolbox to set up his sentry, but then he realized that Demoman still had it when he went into the BLU base. With an angry huff, he held his shotgun against his shoulder and ran toward the fray.

Sniper's leg burned a little, so he leaned against the wall of the base to not put as much weight on it. He lifted his sniper rifle and trained his sight on one of the Soldier-bots, but he whiffed the shot when a bullet dug into his wounded leg.

Suddenly, Sniper felt a tug on his arm. He glanced away from the battle to see Spy snapping his watch onto Sniper's wrist. Sniper's confused expression was quickly covered by a paper mask. Spy pulled the now-disguised RED through the barrier, and he breathed a sigh of relief when the disguise worked and let Sniper through. Inside the relative safety of the BLU base, Spy's fingers lingered briefly on Sniper's arm.

Outside, the robots were closing in, pushing Soldier, Scout, and Engineer back. More and more robots piled into the clearing. A Sniper-bot hit Scout's arm, forcing him to shift his gun to shoot left-handed. Engineer was backed up against the BLU base with nowhere left to retreat. Soldier, the only one of them who could retreat into the base, stood between the robots and the REDs, refusing to retreat if it meant leaving someone behind. He let out a battle cry, oblivious to the bullet holes littering his chest.

"Go get the others!" Sniper hissed at Spy, thrusting his arm out.

Spy unclasped his watch from the Sniper's wrist. Before he could help Engineer disguise and sneak in, however, the barrier flickered and disappeared. Demoman rushed back from deeper in the base, "Retreat, laddies! It'll only be down fer a moment!"

"FALL BACK!" Soldier bellowed.

Engineer scrambled into the base, followed closely by Solider, Scout, and three bots. The barrier blinked back into existence before any more robots could follow. Demoman made short work of the three that snuck in.

Engineer pointed angrily at Demoman and opened his mouth to yell, froze like that for a couple seconds, and finally closed his mouth and slowly lowered his hand, shaking his head.

"You could 'ave told us what you were doing," Spy murmured as he inspected Sniper's leg.

Soldier dropped down to lie on his back, finally acknowledging his wounds. In a subdued tone which would have passed for an 'indoor voice' at an elementary school, he spoke, "You did well, Maggot. Never leave a man behind."

Scout undid his hand wraps, using the cloth to dress his wounded arm, "Yo, Hardhat, need a dispenser here."

Digging through his bag of scrap metal, Engineer said, "I kin whip up a dispenser in a jiffy, but it'll only heal REDs. Take maybe an hour to reprogram the circuit board. Someone help out Soldier until then."

Pressing a hand against one of his larger wounds, Soldier sat up with a grunt, "I AM FINE. I DON'T NEED ANY—" he fell onto his back again, groaning.

Spy helped Sniper hobble over to the middle of the room, where a half-built dispenser now sat, "I suppose 'e may use one of my RED disguises. Ze dispenser would heal him then, non?"

Engineer's eye twitched at the memory of Spy's RED disguises, "G-good thinkin."

Shortly, the three REDs and disguised BLU were sitting around the dispenser. Spy hovered nearby, not wanting to let his watch out of his sight. Scout sighed, "Sometimes, I really miss the doc."

"You ever even talk to him?" Engineer wondered.

"Well, no, but still. He'd always heal us an' shit. Ya know?"

Soldier's foreign face held an uneasy expression, which Sniper picked up on, "It's alright. You were jus' doin' yer job. We understand."

"Wait, whoa. _You_ killed 'im?"

"Yer an oblivious little gremlin, ain't'cha?" Engineer rolled his eyes at Scout.

Mostly healed by now, Scout scooted away from the dispenser, away from Soldier, "Dude, dude, guys, whoa."

"What is the matter with you now?" Engineer sighed.

"These guys. These BLUs. They're, they're the guys we were fightin' all this time. And now, and now we're just sittin' here, in their own freakin' base, playing happy family with them? What the hell?! They're our enemies!"

Sniper sighed deeply, "Thought we went over this already. Thought you understood that."

"Well, yeah. Like, I get it. We're s'posed'ta get along an' fight together an' stuff. But, but. They killed the doc. An' Heavy. An' Demo an' that other Scout. They're, they're. This is so messed up," Scout let out a short airy laugh, "This time yesterday, we all wanted each other dead."

Spy softly said, "And you three are responsible for the deaths of many of our comrades—"

"COMRADES? WE HAVE NO FILTHY SOVIET _COMRADES_!"

"Many of our _allies_, then," Spy corrected. He held out his hand toward the three REDs, "but we need to forgive and forget for this to work."

Scout turned away, shunning the BLU, oblivious that he was giving his back to an enemy Spy.

With just a moment's hesitation, Sniper shook hands with Spy.


	7. Money

Demoman's gasp drew the attention of the other mercenaries at once. Scout, temporarily forgetting his renewed hatred of BLUs, rushed toward Demoman with his scattergun, "Where're the bastards? How'd they get in?"

"Ain't the robots, laddie. Not any more o' them, at least," the others let out a collective sigh of relief, "But look here."

Scout knelt down with Demoman beside the remains of the three robots that snuck in while the barrier was down. He dropped his gun to the ground, so he could use both hands to investigate the remains, "Whoa…"

"What's goin' on over here?" Engineer reluctantly left his dispenser—Spy was still hovering near it— to join the two by the robots.

Scout held up a fistful of bills, slightly burnt from the explosives Demoman used to destroy the robots.

"Well, I'll be," Engineer rubbed his hands against his pants, "Miss Pauling _did_ mention they were powered by money, if I'm not mistaken."

Scout scoffed, "Said somethin' about kidnappin' eagles, too."

"EAGLES ARE A PROUD, AMERICAN CREATURE! THEY DO NOT KIDNAP!" an unfamiliar voice called out, but everyone recognized it as Soldier's, despite him still wearing Spy's mask and watch.

"I believe we all thought she was…" Spy trailed off, unable to find a polite phrasing.

"Lying?" Sniper supplied.

"There's definitely money in 'em alright. I'll need to do some testing to see if it actually powers them, of course," he nodded to the Scout, who was stuffing bills in his pockets, "Stop that and make yerself useful. My toolbox is over there."

Scout rolled his eyes, took one last wad of bills from the robot, and zipped back to the dispenser for the toolbox. While there, he asked Sniper, "So, how's yer leg?"

Sniper stretched it out with a grimace, "Little stiff, but it ain't bleeding no more."

Scout kicked him just below the knee, and when Sniper only winced a little, he smiled, "Yep, you're good as new."

Sniper flipped him off, but Scout was already jogging back to Engineer. Engineer had pried off the chest plate of one of the robots and was shaking his head, frowning. Scout dropped the toolbox near his teammate and found a perch atop a different robot, "Got yer stuff. What's wrong?"

Engineer sighed and pointed to a patch of fried wires and burnt solder, "S'no good. Took too much damage when it got killed. Or destroyed, I supposed. Gotta be alive in the first place if yer gonna get killed."

"Semantics, laborer," Spy interrupted, "Will you be able to study zem?"

"I'll have to check if the damage is as extensive on the other two, but… but I ain't hopeful. We need…" Engineer shook his head, "I need an undamaged one to study."

"Tch, good luck with that," Scout rolled his eyes.

By the dispenser, Spy ran his gloved hands over his sapper.

"SPY! DO YOU THINK—GAH!" Soldier whipped the mask off and the dispenser abruptly cut off contact with him. Back with his normal voice, he continued, "DO YOU REALLY THINK YOUR SNEAKY COMMUNIST SAPPER WILL WORK ON THOSE HUNKS OF METAL?"

"No," Spy reluctantly replied, "I believe zey only affect RED technology."

While Spy retrieved his effects from Soldier, Engineer paced, "It's a damn conundrum, is what it is. You sap one of 'em, and I'll be able to study it. But I gotta study one before we kin modify your sappers to work on 'em… Not that I'd ever want to handle your sappers, o' course."

"Of course," Spy absently agreed.

Scout scoffed, "Dude, you been tryin' to get yer hands on one o' those things for, like, ever."

With a brief glare to Scout, Engineer quickly changed the subject, "Now, if nobody needs the dispenser no more, I don't need to know anythin' about them robots to make the modifications."

Conversation died out as Engineer dismantled his dispenser. Demoman and Scout resumed digging through the robots' remains for money. Sniper's leg still stung a little, although it was fully healed, so he remained sitting by the dispenser, watching Engineer work. Spy noticed him favoring his leg, so he stayed nearby to keep an eye on Sniper while appearing to just be watching the dispenser. Soldier watched the Engineer, too, but he was also keeping a close watch on Sniper and Scout. He wanted to make sure the REDs didn't try anything sneaky in the BLU base.

Sniper's boredom grew as the pain in his leg subsided. Eventually, he decided to walk over, limp almost entirely gone, to Scout and Demoman. Demoman was stretched out on his back, counting tiles on the ceiling. Scout was struggling to pry every bit of outer metal casing from the three robots, checking every nook and cranny for more money. Sniper was reminded of a vulture.

"You leave any for the rest of us?"

Scout was trying to pry open one of the robot's kneecaps with his teeth, so his reply was muffled.

"Pardon?" Sniper held back a laugh.

Scout spat out the metal and repeated himself, enunciating slightly more than usual, "It's all mine. Go find your own robo-corpse."

"Now, I believe zat those _'robo-corpses'_ actually belong to ze Demoman, no?" Sniper jumped slightly when he heard Spy's voice right behind him, "Would ze money not be his?"

"What? No, I, uh… Hey! Yer just tryin' to get more money for the BLUs!"

"Oh, of course, because everything is black and white with you. Or should I say red and blue?" Spy snapped.

Sniper scratched his chin for a moment, "I think we should all split it. Evenly. We're all in this together. Does it really matter _who_ loots the corpse or _who_ fires the killing bullet?"

"Killing _grenade_," Demoman muttered, "if yer gettin' technical."

"So, both of you, empty your pockets. We pool ever'thin' together and then split it six ways. And that goes for any more we find down the road."

Demoman sat up to empty his pockets, and Scout joined him soon after. Spy scoffed, "I honestly thought we would have to strip search you."

Sniper grinned, "When you get right down to it, Scout's a lot more mature than he'd have you believe," Scout stuck his tongue out at Sniper, "Well, he's _slightly_ more mature _some_ _of the time_, at least."


	8. Nightfall

By the time Engineer stood up from his newly modified dispenser, the sun had nearly set. Soldier was sitting nearby, rubbing some spit into one of his hats to get rid of a scuff. He was just close enough for a tendril of energy from the dispenser to reach out to him. Engineer grinned as he brushed some dirt off of his pants and walked over to the three destroyed robots, where the others were congregated. He looked past the other mercenaries and through the flickering barrier which kept the robots out, "It's a beauty, ain't it? Nothin' like a desert sunset."

Sniper nodded in agreement, "Even nicer without them bots clutterin' up the view."

"Huh," Scout looked outside for the first time since they got to the BLU base, "Where'd they all go?"

Spy frowned, "If you had not been so thoroughly occupied by picking apart zat toy—"

"There mighta been more money in it! An' it's not a toy…"

Spy continued as if he were not interrupted, "You would have seen zem leave."

"It musta been, say, ten minutes ago?" Sniper guessed, and Spy nodded.

Soldier's attention was drawn away from where he was now cleaning his shotgun,"WHY HAVE I NOT BEEN INFORMED OF THE ENEMY'S MOVEMENTS? YOU MAGGOTS—"

"Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. They'd have the upper hand if we tried to fight'm in the dark. Prolly got night vision or whatever," Scout's thoughts wandered to a fantasy of him having night vision, playing pranks on the other mercenaries and sneaking off to Gravel to be a peeping tom.

Soldier's booming voice drew him back to the present, "WE SHOULD FOLLOW THEM, FIND THEIR BASE OF OPERATIONS."

Engineer knelt down to the robots, now conveniently disassembled by the Scout, and refused to make eye contact with any of the BLUs as he said, "He's probably right. We oughta know ever'thin' we can about them."

"SPY," Soldier waited until he had his teammate's attention, "YOU ARE BEST SUITED FOR RECON. THE TIME TO STRIKE IS NOW, WHILE THEIR FOCUS IS NOT ON—"

"Fine," Spy stroked his watch, "If I am not back in 'alf an hour…"

"You will be," Sniper quickly assured.

Sniper thought he saw Spy smile at him before pressing a button on his watch and turning invisible. Then, there was a slight, almost undetectable, distortion in the barrier as Spy crept outside. Soldier went back to tending his weapons.

The three REDs watched the area Spy disappeared from for a few moments, suspicion an engrained habit. Finally, Scout and Engineer turned back to the dismantled robots, "You figure anythin' out about these things, Scout?"

Scout blinked, surprised that the Engineer put any stock in his thoughts on the robots, even if he had spent more time fiddling around with them, "Well, they, uh…" had paused, trying to find something not inane to say, "Oh! I found this!"

Engineer leaned in closer while Scout rummaged through a large pile of small robot parts, slightly impressed that Scout and Demoman had organized everything by size. Personally, he'd have organized the parts by their use, but he'd accept any form of organization. He had expected an unordered mess.

Scout found the part he was looking for and proudly handed an integrated circuit to his teammate, "These little caterpillar things are important right?"

"Caterpillar? What in tarnation?" Engineer squinted at the small, black device, "Er, well, I suppose the connectors look a bit like the legs of a caterpillar… if'n you've never seen a bug in yer life," Scout flushed in embarrassment and annoyance, "but, yer right, this part would be very important… if it weren't burned to a crisp."

Demoman grinned into his bottle of scrumpy, "Never more'n a burned crisp when I'm done with'em."

"Unfortunately," Engineer spat. The others weren't sure if he was referring to the robots now or his sentries during the Gravel War. After a moment of silence in honor of his fallen buildings, Engineer muttered under his breath, "This circuit sure is small. Must be real advanced. Probably Australian tech."

Sniper grinned.

After Soldier thoroughly cleaned his weapons and hats, he paced next to the barrier. Sniper's followed Soldier's movements for a few moments before growing restless, "Won't you calm down?"

Soldier briefly stopped pacing to glare at Sniper. He realized the RED couldn't see his glare under his helmet, so he removed it. Sniper merely cocked an eyebrow at him. Soldier muttered something under his breath and resumed pacing. Sniper sighed and turned away.

Demoman yawned, ending the yawn with a long, loud burp. Scout flinched away and held his nose, "Gross, man!"

"Time fer some shut eye, I think," he yawned again.

"But we haven't had dinner yet!" whined Scout. His eyes widened, "There-there's food here, right?"

"I bet the previous residents moved out pretty quick once the robots moved in. Doubt they took the time to take all their provisions with'em. If BLU's anything like RED, there would be plenty of nonperishables in the kitchen," Sniper decided.

Scout sighed in relief.

Engineer nodded in agreement, "And all these bases are laid out more-or-less the same. I'll bet kitchen and mess hall are just down that hall on the left."

Scout immediately rushed off to check. Demoman grinned and shook his empty bottle, "Regardless, I got plenty o' sustenance from me scrumpy. Gon' find the quarters now."

Soldier abruptly stopped pacing, "YOU WILL DO NO SUCH THING, MAGGOT! DINNER IS THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT MEAL OF THE DAY—"

"What about breakfast an' lunch?" Demoman interrupted, "I thought it was one o' them. An' I already ate those… I think… Memory's a bit… fuzzy."

"THOSE ARE ALSO THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT MEAL OF THE DAY!" Soldier assured.


	9. Chapter Titles Are Hard

"No good fussing over these robots now. Best just wait for Spy to get back," Engineer decided, pacing, "Gotta do something useful, though.

"Didn't take ya for the impatient type," Scout giggled.

"Look who's talkin'."

Soldier looked up from where he was wrestling Demoman, "DID YOU FIX THE SENTRIES TO NOT ATTACK BLUS? THAT WOULD BE AN HONORABLE USE OF YOUR EFFORTS."

Demoman squirmed out from under Soldier as Engineer explained, "No use fussing with that until I can make'm target the bots instead. My sentry's'll hafta be on manual either way."

Soldier opened his mouth to reply but then he noticed Demoman's absence, "GET OVER HERE, MAGGOT. FEED YOUR STOMACH TO FEED YOUR MIND. THREE MEALS A DAY HONES YOUR BODY FOR COMBAT. ALCOHOL IS **NOT** FOOD."

Soldier ran down the hall toward the sleeping quarters. A few moments later, loud banging could be heard as Soldier pounded on Demoman's locked door. A few moments after that, even louder snoring echoed out of Demoman's quarters. The other mercenaries thought it was too loud to be natural, but Soldier assumed Demoman was really sleeping and gave up pursuit.

Engineer sighed, "Wish he'd've shown us where the controls for that barrier are before he ran off."

Scout hopped from one foot to the other for a few seconds, "You gonna fix that for us?"

"Yup. It'll be mighty obnoxious if'n we need Spy to get us in every time. Who knows how long we're gonna be stationed in Gravel?" Engineer started walking in the direction Demoman had found the controls in but then stopped abruptly, "You gonna pace all night?"

Sniper stopped pacing mid stride, "Uh, no, I… Spy's been gone a while. You don't think…"

Engineer shook his head, "He's a wily one. Stop worrying. It won't do you no good."

Engineer resumed looking for the barrier control. He walked down the hallway, opening ever door, hoping one would lead to a control room of some sort. Most of the rooms were small, bare bedrooms, each with an even smaller adjoining bathroom. One room had a round table with a map of Gravel Pit on it. Another room was clearly a rec room. It was filled with couches and tables. A small TV sat in one corner, and there was a bookshelf piled high with books and board games. One scorched table housed a broken radio. It looked like a Pyro had lost his temper. Engineer thought he might fix the radio later if he found himself without anything else to do.

The next room Engineer found was the kitchen. The appliances were all to be expected. It was Soldier wearing an apron that Engineer found to be out of place. Soldier was standing in front of the sink scrubbing at a large pot. Judging from the cans of tomato sauce and beans that had been pulled out of the pantry, Soldier was going to try to scrounge together some sort of soup. Engineer slowly backed out of the room, not wanting to get roped into cooking.

Next, Engineer found a supply room filled with ammunition of every sort and a selection of guns and blades. In the back of the supply room, next to a shelf of chemicals, there was a pile of scrap metal and wires.

It was the very last door at the end of the hall that opened into a small control room. Engineer rolled his eyes and cursed his luck, but then he saw an operating manual for the maintenance and repair of the barrier. Maybe his luck wasn't so bad after all. Engineer sat down in a folding chair and began skimming the manual.

Meanwhile, Spy finally returned from his mission to capture one of the robots. He approached the BLU base with a powered down Scout-bot slung over his shoulder. Before he could pass through the barrier, however, Sniper called out, "Hey!" and aimed his rifle at Spy. Spy stopped instantly, "What is zis? Turning on us already? Never trust a RED."

Scout, the only other mercenary who hadn't wandered off deeper into the base, ran up to Sniper, "Yo, man, what're you doin'?"

"Paranoia is the only way to ensure you live through bein' employed by TF Industries. He proves he's really Spy, or I put a bullet in him, simple as that."

"Come _on_, of course it's Spy!"

"I hope so…" the red light on Spy's forehead briefly wavered.

"Shoot me if you must, RED, but zen who will you watch ze Olympics with?"

Sniper let out a relieved sigh and lowered his gun. Spy entered the base and carefully sat the Scout-bot next to the three dismantled robots. The human Scout was instantly sitting atop his robot counterpart, looking for a way to get at the money he assumed was inside.

"Stop that," Sniper pushed Scout away with his foot, "This one's for Engineer to look at."

"But… money!" Scout whined, giving Sniper a pitiful look that always had his mother doing whatever he wanted.

"Go find Engie. Bet you can get all the money you want when he's done."

Grumbling, Scout went off to fetch Engineer. Although still moving quickly, his pace was relatively slow compared to usual. Sniper shook his head, watching Scout leave.

"What 'append to being mature? Is he always this petulant?"

"Scout has his moments. He's a good kid, but he's still just a kid. He weren't ready for this job."

"Was anybody?"

"No, I guess not," the two stood over the robot in a companionable silence for a few moments, "Yer Soldier maybe."

"Our Soldier," Spy absently corrected, "But, if I remember correctly—and I always do—he was not quite so… _Soldier_… in ze beginning."

Sniper scoffed, "I can't image him ever quite bein' sane… No offense."

"Oh, I seriously doubt he ever was, but his psychosis was less defined back zen."

"Sounds like you worked together fer a while."

"We were both zere since ze beginning," Spy's eyes slightly glazed over as memories briefly flooded his mind. He shook his head and his mind was back in the present, "Demoman is relatively new to ze company. Only a few months."

"Scout, too. The war'd been goin' for a bit before I joined up. That was a few years back, though. Engineer was just a month or two after me."

"You boys talkin' bout me?" Engineer walked in, Scout following behind him like a lost puppy. Any thoughts of being annoyed left Engineer when he saw the Scout-bot, "Oooh, now there's a fine specimen. Where'd you find her?"

"Uh, that's a _he_," Scout insisted.

Engineer waved a dismissive hand and asked again, "Where'd you find _her_?"

"Not too far from ze van. Ze footprints were fading. I could not track where ze others went."

Engineer pried a large pebble out of its knee joint, "I'm bettin' this is why she didn't make it as far as the others."

"C'mon, man, that is _clearly_ a male robot!" Scout went ignored.

"It was not moving at all when I found it."

"Why would she power down before makin' it to their base?"

Engineer set to work carefully dismantling the robot. Scout hovered over him, looking for a chance to reach in and grab some money. Every time he made a move, Engineer batted his arm away, none too gently, with his wrench. Sniper and Spy leaned against the wall together, watching to make sure the robot didn't spring back to life.

Soon, Engineer let out a "whoop" and tapped a part hidden in the robot's head. Sniper and Spy rushed over just in case something was wrong.

"What is it? Not money?" Scout asked.

"A solar panel! An' just look at the battery it's connected to."

"Uh… Sol… ar… A sun panel?" Scout scratched his head, "Yeah, that's definitely not money."

"Someone, get ze boy a ribbon," Spy deadpanned. Sniper hid a grin behind his hand.

Engineer carefully snipped the wires connecting the solar panel, "There, this one won't be wakin' up now. See, they're sun-powered. That's why they all left at sundown. An' their batteries are too small to last more than, oh, I'd guess half an hour or so."

"Least we know we can sleep easy."

"EAT DINNER OR BE MAGGOTS. GET IN HERE," Soldier's voice suddenly echoed through the base, "AND BRING THAT GOOD-FOR-NOTHING DEMOMAN."

The four looked to each other in desperation, none of them wanting to be the one to have to wake up Demoman. In a blink of an eye, Scout was down the hall, racing toward the kitchen and away from Demoman's room. Engineer shuffled toward the door, "He's, uh, he's _your_ teammate."

Sniper rolled his eyes and rested a hand on Spy's arm, "Strength in numbers, and all that, right?"

The two slowly walked together down the hall to the room where Demoman's snores emanated.


	10. Soldier

"MAAAAAAAAGOTS," Soldier's voice echoed through the BLU base at dawn, waking four of his five allies.

Six days had passed since they first arrived at Gravel Pit, and the allies had fallen into a rhythm of sorts. Sniper quickly pulled on his clothing and shambled down the hall to the kitchen. He may have been more of a morning person than the other REDs, but not even he could keep up with Soldier's insane hours.

The smell of eggs assaulted Sniper's nose when he opened the door to the kitchen. Soldier stood over the stove, fully dressed for the day's upcoming battle but not yet wearing his signature hats. Sniper wrinkled his nose in distaste but forced his face to relax when Soldier turned to him. The TFi supply crate that appeared over night their second day at Gravel Pit had contained numerous foodstuffs of questionable quality, including an off-color egg mush in a milk carton.

"GO ROUSE THAT LAZY, NO-GOOD DEMOMAN," Soldier commanded. It was a task he always delegated to Sniper, ever since he had willingly done it the first night.

Sniper sighed but nodded his head. It was too petty a thing to risk pissing off Soldier over. The past week had done little to make him feel comfortable around the BLU. If anything Sniper grew more wary of him the more he learned. Sniper almost thought liked Soldier more when they were enemies. At least when they were enemies, he didn't have to put up with mood swings or Sun Tzu quotes or egg mush, sunny side up.

Sniper carefully walked over to the coffee pot, which Soldier had thankfully prepared, and poured two cups. As if on cue, Spy walked in, without even a single hair out of place. Inwardly, Sniper glared at Spy. He had no right to look so good so early in the morning.

"Merci," Spy murmured, taking the second cup from Sniper.

The two drank their coffee in silence. On their way to Demoman's room, after passing Engineer, who bowed his head in greeting, they kicked open the door to Scout's room. The RED whined incoherently at them while hopping around, trying to fit both of his legs through the same hole in his pants.

… … … … …

Soldier carefully took off his helmet, balancing the two hats atop it, and wiped the sweat from his forehead. He then scanned the battlefield while reloading his rocket launcher. The others all seemed to be handling their own. Good.

He caught an unusual shimmer near Engineer's nest and frowned. He had just seen Spy stabbing a Demo-bot on the other side of the field. He was too far to yell a warning to Engineer, so he ran toward the nest, frantically scanning for another shimmer from the Spy-bot's cloak.

Meanwhile, Engineer was focused whole-heartedly on upgrading his dispenser. Since they didn't have a Medic stationed with them, the dispenser was often the only thing to stop them from bleeding out. He was so caught up in his task that he didn't immediately notice that his sentry had stopped firing. When he finally registered the silence, Engineer turned around and found himself face to face with a Spy-bot's knife.

But then a rocket flew in from the side and sent the robot back a few feet before exploding in a shower of metal. A few pieces of metal bounced harmlessly off the dispenser, but a particularly sharp piece of metal from the robot's leg lodged itself in Engineer's arm. The dispenser, which was already latched on to Engineer, pulled out the metal and carefully healed the cut.

Engineer patted it, "Thanks, girl… And thank you, Soldier."

"KEEP YOUR ENEMY CLOSE, BUT NOT THAT CLOSE."

Engineer knew it would be the closest to a 'you're welcome' he would be getting from Soldier, so he nodded and returned to upgrading the dispenser. By the time it was at level two, Soldier was already half way across the battlefield.

He ducked side to side reloading his rocket launcher while a Heavy-bot and Scout-bot shot at him. A blast from just behind him knocked his weapon out of his hands as he fought to keep his balance. Soldier turned around, still instinctively dodging the two robots, and saw the cause of the explosion: a Demo-bot. Soldier pulled out his shotgun and turned back to his original attackers, the Demo-bot would have to wait his turn to be destroyed.

But the Heavy-bot and Scout-bot were now joined by another Heavy-bot and two Pyro-bots.

Soldier's curse echoed through Gravel Pit.

A shotgun fired, felling the Demo-bot behind him. Scout grinned at Soldier as the robots slowly moved to surround them, "Stop hoggin' all the fun, yeah?"

"MAGGOT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING—" Soldier would have gone into a tirade, lecturing Scout on not jumping—quite literally—into such a dangerous situation, but the robots finally attacked and Soldier's words were lost in the crossfire.

Soldier dropped to the ground and fired his shotgun, hitting one of the Pyros in the knee joint before its fires could get close enough to burn. Meanwhile, Scout jumped to the air, twisted in a way that seemed to defy physics, and landed bat-first on one of the Heavies. It beeped and whirred uselessly for a moment before Scout brought his bat down hard on its head.

Meanwhile, the undamaged Pyro reached Soldier, who rolled away from the fire, but not before burning his right arm. He stood up, favoring the wounded arm by aiming his shotgun left-handed. He wasn't as good a shot like that, but at such close ranges, it was still almost laughably easy to take out the Pyro.

The second Heavy realized that the first was non-operational and began firing indiscriminately at RED Scout. Most of its bullets hit the other Heavy, who Scout quickly used as a metallic meat shield, but a few bullets grazed the human's torso.

Soldier quickly surveyed the scene around him. The Scout-bot was mostly just hopping around like a rabbit on some sort of drug that makes it hop uselessly a lot, but it was occasionally firing its shotgun. Soldier would have a hard time hitting it with his own shotgun, since it was moving around so quickly. He'd need to use his rocket launcher, which was sitting behind a wall of fire the wounded Pyro-bot's flamethrower was spewing. He fired two shells, and the Pyro finally shut down.

Soldier retrieved his rocket launcher and watched the Scout-bot's pattern while he finished reloading. He saw where the Scout would land and fired. The Scout-bot twisted in that unnatural way Scouts do, but it wasn't enough to get it away from the explosion. Soldier turned back to the human Scout and saw he had already taken out the last Heavy-bot and looted its corpse for money.

"WELL," Soldier frowned at Scout, "SUN TZU WOULD STILL BE DISAPPOINTED IN YOUR RECKLESSNESS. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE STRATEGICALLY SOUND TO SAVE YOURSELF AND LEAVE ME—"

"Leave you to _die_? No way, man! We can totally take those piles o' junk!" Scout lightly punched Soldier's arm, "C'mon, we gotta stick together, ya know?"

Soldier hissed in pain, but Scout was already bouncing away, looking for another fight. He reloaded his rocket launcher, grabbed a fistful of slightly burned dollars from one of the downed Pyro-bots, and made his way back to the Engineer and his glorious dispenser.

A rocket landed just a few feet ahead of him, followed by a Soldier-bot.

"MAGGOT, I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS. MY ARM IS BURNED. DO YOU UNDERSTAND, MAGGOT?"

"Mag-got. Mag-got-ot," the Soldier-bot whirred, almost mockingly.

Favoring his right side, Soldier wasn't able to raise his rocket launcher nearly as quickly as his counterpart. This close, he had no chance to dodge the upcoming rocket. Soldier closed his eyes, waiting to face death honorably.

And waiting.

He was still alive? Soldier opened one eye and saw Soldier-bot gyrate awkwardly, coated in a yellow-ish liquid. He opened his other eye and slowly registered that Sniper was running toward him, yelling.

"—stall it out for a minute. Fire!"

Soldier raised his rocket launcher, trying not to wince at his burned arm, and fired.

"What the hell was that?" Sniper said when he reached Soldier, "You got a death wish or something?"

"NO, SIR," Soldier saluted with his left hand.

Sniper frowned. Soldier must be really rattled to call him sir, "Uh, at ease?"

Soldier flushed, and turned slightly away from Sniper. Later, he would never admit to saying what he was about to ask, "An escort to the sentry nest would not be unwelcome..."

"Sure," Sniper gave a fake smile, disconcerted first by Soldier's behavior, and now by his quiet tone, "I was headin' there anyway. Ran out o' ammo."

The two got stopped by a Scout-bot on their way to the dispenser, but Sniper quickly took it out with his mystery liquid—Soldier was adamant on it remaining a secret—and his kukri.

Scout, Demoman, and Spy each made their way to the sentry nest, too. The sun would be setting soon enough, so the six mercenaries decided to call it a day.


End file.
